Playboy Video Collection

the letter

In the middle of June I recieved a letter from Playboy (I have a subscription to their magazine) offering me a videotape.

Here's the text of the reply card:

Yes, send me the 1995 Video Playmate Calendar for 10 days FREE as my introduction to the PLAYBOY VIDEO COLLECTION. If I decide to keep it, I'll pay the low introductory price of just $9.95 pluss shipping and handling. I'll then receive other volumes in the PLAYBOY VIDEO COLLECTION approximately every other month, always for a 10-day FREE examination and for the regular price of $19.95 pluss shipping and handling. I understand there is no minimum number to buy and I may cancel any time. If I decide not to keep the 1995 Video Playmate Calendar, I'll return it to you within 10 days and owe nothing.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Not interested.

the telemarketer

So the very next day I get a call from Playboy (their sales department I bet). There's some woman on the other end of the phone whose tone of voice says ``I'm doing this because it pays the bills but it's so boring''. She basically reads me the entire reply card (not verbatim, just identical content) and says (paraphrase) ``to start your subscription to the Playboy Video Collection all we need to do is confirm your address.''

I say ``I'm not interested''.

I might as well have said ``My wombat has lint''.

``But, Mr. Forsman blah blah blah free blah blah no obligation blah blah return it if you don't like it blah blah''.

And the following ran through my head (very fast).

Let me get this straight. You're going to send me a package which I have to
  1. find time to open
  2. place in the VCR
  3. hit play
  4. watch for n minutes (they call it a ``full-length feature''. Somehow I doubt they have 120 minutes of bouncing bimbos)
  5. perhaps duplicate (pirate), but that's the biggest hassle of all. I'd have to take it over to a friends house because I only have one VCR.
  6. repackage
  7. ship back (this is a pain in the ass)
Of course, I could skip steps 1-6, but why not skip the whole shebang.

What would I do with the videotape if I kept it? Whack off while watching it? Get real. The VCR is in the living room, and I have two roommates, neither of whom would react well to that.

If I'm going to spend $10 on entertainment I'll buy the latest Cop Shoot Cop CD (these guys' discs pack pure concentrated disgust, despair, and loathing. Listen to them too long and you go drive a suicide ANFO bomb into the congress in retaliation for passing the Communications Decency Act. Plus 1000 party points! ).

The Playboy magazine is a different story. I keep a stack of them on the table in my office. They're great conversation pieces.
``Dude, nice hooters on that one''
``Yeah, look inside, there's a pictoral on short women somewhere in there.''
``Man, check this out. The dog is almost as tall as she is!''
``Yeah, but her legs are spread. Chops off an inch or so that way.''
You get the idea. And besides, there are even readable/amusing articles in it and the occasional page of expensive gift ideas (.e.g. digital cameras, drool, drool). Go ahead, subscribe, you know you want to.

So, anyway, I say to the bored woman (again) ``I'm not interested''.

No more wombat lint. She gives up.

epilogue

Telemarketing is annoying, but Playboy was less annoying than most. The ones that piss me of to no end are the long-distance phone companies.

I need a girlfriend. Nah, I just need a fuckable housekeeper.

In the mean time, there's nothing like easily available smut to dull the libido (``Yup, it's a naked chick all right. Oh, my compile is done''); 'cept, maybe Prozac, but I bet Playboy is cheaper.

[RF]

Back to White Hot Lesbo Action!

Robert Forsman <thoth@purplefrog.com>
Last modified: Sun Jun 18 13:40:00 1995